So last week Hadley had an MRI and ARB performed at UC Children's. I was out of town on business for school, so Brian and Mom went together to be with our sweet girl. Brian called me to tell me that Hadley was doing great, I must say how thankful we are for the amazing staff that worked with her. They had everything done in a few hours and were back on their way home in no time. The audiologist did tell Brian that the ARB results showed severe hearing loss (as we had suspected), not exactly what we wanted to hear though. I guess deep inside I wanted the previous test obtained in China to be wrong. For a moment I allowed myself to cry, no one was watching, just me standing outside my classroom. I had to ask myself "why are you upset Jennifer? You know she can't hear, this isn't new information?" Still it hurts.....I just want her to hear!!!
Flash back to last November, actually the week prior to our travel. I was standing in my room looking at the suitcases trying to come up with the best way to get everything packed, my phone rings and I see it's AWAA (our agency). They wanted to talk to Brian and I together about new information on Hadley. Praying she was okay first, and then worrying that they were going to stall our trip I didn't know whether to faint or puke. They told us that recent testing had revealed that she has a severe hearing loss, and they need us to reassess our feelings towards a child with a hearing impairment. Our assessment was short, we told them that the fact that she has a hearing impairment doesn't change the fact that she is our daughter, so let's get this show on the road and get our girl home. In this moment I questioned my ability to parent a child who is deaf, not my ability to love her or care for her. Down deep inside fear started to creep in and left me pondering if I would be the best parent for her because I don't know how to sign, would I fail her?
After returning home, Hadley began to flourish in so many ways. God gave me the confidence that I needed in my ability to parent a child with hearing loss, I set my mind to learn ASL and provide Hadley with every resource available. My daughter will have her needs met, whatever it takes! Hadley's school has been diligent in meeting her needs, and I must say that they all love her so much! It makes me smile everyday when I see the little kids run over and greet her at the door, most of them signing "good morning Hadley!". Makes me wonder "are we teaching her or is she teaching us?" maybe it's both.
On Wednesday, they called with Hadley's MRI results. I'm not going to give all the details about Hadley, we are protecting her privacy. I will share some of the bits and pieces because I want you all to know, and just maybe it will help another family or child in the future. Hadley's injury (brain bleed) was indeed caused by abuse. More than likely repeated abuse, and probably an injury of being forcefully shaken. Her hearing loss is indeed a result of the brain injury, and is permanent. I have grieved for my daughter's hearing loss since the first day I found out. Now, I'm just MAD!!!!!!! MAD is actually an understatement!!!!! I am furious!!!!!!!! I'm furious that my daughter can't hear because of another person's actions, that someone used force to shake my daughter so severely that she bleed in her brain..........With that being said, I also know that I will forgive that person, not now, but when I'm ready.... I will love Hadley so much that she will know that we will never let anyone else ever hurt her. We will teach her that we are forever!!!! She was born to be ours and nothing will ever change that.
I am thankful that we didn't know about her hearing loss in her original file, because fear of raising a child with a hearing impairment would have scared me away.... I'm sad that I felt that way, but it's true. Sometimes fear scares us from meeting new people, going to new places, experiencing many different things, and living our life as God has planned for us to. I have learned in the past 5 months that I'm stronger than I thought, and living inside my comfort zone is really not living at all......
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